Comparatively at Home in Prison
by soner
Summary: Grimmjow, Nel and Ulquiorra must attend high school. But not to worry, several of the shinigami will be joining them. Oh, and somehow Isshin occasionally finds his way in as well. Pairings: Ulquihime, plus other assorted crack-inspired couples.
1. all the world seems in tune

"Hey! Hey, you stupid fuck! Give me back the remote!"

"We have to go to school." Ulquiorra slung his book bag over his shoulder and put his hands in his pockets.

"What-the-piss-ever. I was watching the news. Must keep a look out for any suspicious going-on's."

Ulquiorra arched an eyebrow. "It was a cat that would jump into boxes."

"Yeah, well, humans consider that shit to be news."

"We must attend school." Ulquiorra shifted and if Grimmjow didn't know his fellow Espada better – well, scratch that, he really didn't know the stupid, boring weirdo at all- he'd say that Ulquiorra looked positively uncomfortable. "It would be a bad idea to start off in their bad graces so quickly. She agreed to house us. For now, we will go to school."

"Hn."

"We will be _thrown back in jail _if we do not go to school."

Orihime entered the living room and seemed to be in a rather good mood, skipping and humming to herself. "Grimmjow-kun! I have your uniform!"

He grunted and handed it back. "Can't. It'll clash with my hair. Sorry, _Orihime." _

Ulquiorra gingerly took the clothing out of her arms and roughly ground it in into Grimmjow's face. "_Everything _clashes with your stupid hair, idiot. You will wear it."

The air was thick with tension. Orihime was nervous. Finally after what seemed like hours, Grimmjow acquiesced. "Fine," he said, unbuckling his pants and taking off his shirt. "I'll wear the goddamned uniform."

Orihime took this potentially awkward moment to go grab their three homemade bento boxes. Lunch was going to be so much fun! She imagined the three of them, plus Nel and Ichigo and Rukia and all the other Shinigami, plus Keigo and Mizurio and Tatsuki-chan – it was going to be just like a picnic! They'd be eating together, laughing at each other's jokes, sharing each other's food, and maybe afterwards they could play a game of tag or baseball – something group-oriented that'll encourage friendly bonding. And then the entire school could come watch! Their team would be the underdogs, up against the most distinguished team in Japan - no, the WORLD, and then –

"Hey," Grimmjow said, and smacked the back of her head with the remote. "Your face looks stupid."

"Eh?" exclaimed Orihime, her abnormally hard head keeping her oblivious of his strike. "Sorry, I was daydreaming again, wasn't I? Hehe…"

A pause, and then: "Your face always looks stupid."

"We're leaving now, Grimmjow," Ulquiorra said tersely, and then tossed Grimmjow's new school bag out the door. However, misjudging his own strength, the bag collided with the hallway wall with a sharp CRACK! and a large, splintered dent was left in its wake.

There was an awkward silence, and Grimmjow went to pick up his bag. He turned to Ulquiorra and said sourly, "This is why we never had nice shit in Hueco Mundo, Ulquiorra."

"You don't think it was due to the presence of a useless idiot addicted to punching walls and exploding his battle opponen-"

"Right, everyone's right!" Orihime said quickly, politely pushing everyone further down the hall. "It's time for a wonderful first day of school!"


	2. on a spring afternoon

Ichigo wanted to bang his head against the wall. Hard. With enough force that he would forget his entire life and could then start anew.

"So let me get this straight. Those three," he pointed at Nel, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra, "are attending _our high school. _With us. Our high school. Why. Is. This." His eyebrow twitched.

"Well!" Rangiku explained cheerfully. "As you know, this is Soul Society's most important assignment in a long time. Those three," she jabbed her thumb at Grimmjow, Nel and Ulquiorra, "could be tremendously useful to us."

"Why?" Ichigo asked.

Rangiku waved her hand dismissively and laughed. "Well, you know that I can't tell you that! Lots of secret technical details; frankly, it all bores me to tears, and I don't remember it, anyways."

"Why are you even a captain?" Ichigo scowled.

"So!" she continued. "We had to figure out what to do with them. Obviously, Captain Kurotsuchi was practically bursting with eagerness, assuming that those three would be given to _him._ I suppose his excitement got the best of him, since on his next guard duty, he informed them of the, er, _procedures _he would be performing on them." She shook her head. "Urahara arrived for his shift and found poor Nel on the floor of her cell, sobbing. He then went to Captain Yamamoto and asked if there weren't maybe some other way we could gather knowledge."

Orihime looked horrified.

"What?!" Ichigo said angrily. "They were going to be given to that sick fuck for medical experiment?!" He couldn't help his anger; Nel still inspired residual big-brother protectiveness, and Ulquiorra … well, he definitely still felt sharp pangs of guilt when he thought of their shared history. Even Grimmjow probably didn't deserve that, he had to admit, reluctantly. Probably.

Rangiku shrugged. "Possibly? Personally, I doubt it. Captain Kurotsuchi was never told a definitive 'yes' or 'no.' And," she continued, "I think that Captain Yamamoto's wishes were more along the lines of what Urahara wanted, which was to convince them to be our allies, rather than, you know, slicing and dicing them into tiny pieces." Seeing the look on Orihime's face, she quickly added, "Well, so to speak. I meant metaphorically?"

"So … why are they attending high school?" Ichigo did not look happy.

"Well!" Rangiku beamed at Orihime. "It's a good thing this one came and begged Captain Yamamoto for their lives!" She pinched and pulled Orihime's cheeks and laughed. "She was just so cute! So anyway, that gave both Urahara and the Captain this amazing idea."

"…Amazing idea?" Ichigo repeated.

"Yes! Clearly, they weren't ready to be just, you know, released in Soul Society, as we suspect that they still have less-than-friendly feelings toward us." She frowned and looked troubled at the thought. "But you guys, on the other hand…"

"Us?" Orihime asked, confused.

"Mmm hmm." Rangiku nodded. "Nel would become thrilled if any of the guards brought up your name, Ichigo. Grimmjow would also respond if someone mentioned your name. And whenever Urahara would mention Orihime-chan, there was a –quote unquote- "perceivable reaction" from Ulquiorra. Hard to see, Urahara said, but there definitely was."

"So … you want us … to make them behave?" Ichigo said slowly.

"Well, kind of. They should be making themselves behave. We want to see how they would respond in an authoritative setting, but we needed you guys around."

Ichigo glared at her. "Great, so we're their goddamn babysitters, aren't we."

Rangiku hesitated for a minute. "…I need to speak to the two of you about that."

"Oh," said Ichigo, crossing his arms and scowling. "This sounds promising."

"What do you mean?" Orihime asked, also feeling slightly nervous.

"Well, there's no way Captain Yamamoto would allow three ex-Espada to just walk freely among humans without, you know, supervision. Supervisors."

"So … this is something more than babysitting," Ichigo stated.

"Yes," Rangiku nodded. "Grimmjow, Nel and Ulquiorra each have one main supervisor, if you will, who's in charge of the paperwork and so forth."

"Paperwork?" Orihime repeated.

"Ugh, yes, paperwork!" Rangiku looked as though she wanted to cry. "Mountains and mountains of thick, disgusting packets of papers that must be filled out! However," her face brightened considerably, "that's the supervisor's job. The rest are just here for backup."

Ichigo had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Who are the supervisors?" he asked and had a feeling that he didn't want to know.

"Right, I'll make this short and simple. You!" She pointed at Ichigo. "Are supervising Nel. And you!" She pointed at Orihime. "Are in charge of Ulquiorra. Shuuhei and I shall be backup. Ah, yes, I believe that's everyone," she finished quickly and then turned to leave. "Come now, you kids, it's time to go to school!"

"Stop. What about Grimmjow?" Ichigo wanted to know.

"And what about Hinamori? Why is she here?" Orihime asked.

Rangiku looked rather guilty. "Well, ah, that one was a little tricky to assign. We did consider you, Ichigo," she admitted. "However, there's still some hostility, to put it lightly. Plus, because Nel behaves so positively in your presence, we determined that you would be in charge of her, instead."

"…So who's watching Grimmjow?" he asked again.

"And what about Hinamori?" Orihime repeated.

"All of the captains and lieutenants debated this very extensively, Ichigo. We came to the conclusion that given his current, uncertain state, he could see a male authority as a threat. So … he may respond to a more … feminine presence, we reasoned."

"So tell me who's watching Grimmjow, already!"

"Hinamori?"

"I'm getting there!" Rangiku scowled. "Can you wait one minute more, you impatient children?"

"Please continue," said Orihime.

"Right. So, to cut a long story short, Captain Hinamori Momo volunteered and we deemed it to be an appropriate decision."

Orihime gasped.

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Ichigo.

"Shut up! Rangiku hissed. "Keep your voice down!"

"Sorry, whatever," Ichigo shook his head. "Look at her! Look at him! He's, like, eight feet taller than her! Were you guys out of your minds?!"

"Ichigo," Rangiku spoke very sternly. "Are you implying that Hinamori is not competent enough for the job?"

"No, it's just, just …" he trailed off.

"Well, you shut it. She insisted on doing this, and offered to take on both of your paperwork as a result, so the two of you will report to her whenever you are summoned."

Orihime nodded slowly. "Right."

"Plus," Rangiku added. "It's thanks to Captain Hinamori that you have that lovely new apartment, Orihime. There simply would not have been room for four people in your previous living quarters."

"S-so you, Renji, Rukia-chan, Captain Hinamori and Captain Hisagi will all be around as well, right?" Orihime asked.

Rangiku nodded, happily. "Yes, we'll be around to help, just in case anything goes wrong. Soul Society wants several of us to be there, too, so that they get used to our presence. And, if they see you guys acting so friendly and loving towards us, perhaps they will emulate your behavior."

"S-so, all of you, are enrolling in our school?" Orihime stared at the hybrid human-arrancar-shinigami-quincy crowd.

"Yes! Renji, Rukia, Momo, Shuuhei and I, along with Grimmjow, Nel and Ulquiorra, will be brand-new transfer students, as of today!" She paused for a second. "Well, technically, Rukia's been there for a while, so she's not new. And, Renji and I are returning, but your classmates don't know that."

"This. Is. So. Dumb." Ichigo spoke through his grinding teeth. "It's, like, the plot of some terrible movie or something."

"Shut it, Ichigo." Rangiku glared at him. "Would you rather they be given to Captain Kurotsuchi, then? Ehh?"

Orihime spoke up. "I'd rather they be down here with us, Kurosaki-kun."

"Fine. I agree. Whatever. But!" He pointed at Hisagi. "Do something about that '69' tattoo."

"Yes, we thought of that!" Rangiku responded. She pulled out a shiny red tin from her book bag. "We have band aids. Lots of band aids."

"This is ridiculous," Ichigo moaned, shaking his head. "So fucking ridiculous. Just … fucking ridiculous."

"Okay, everyone!" Rangiku said loudly. "Time to go! First day of school starts now!"

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"This won't be hard," Momo kept muttering to herself on the walk to school. "Easy. It's going to be easy."

She watched Grimmjow casually kick a rock into a tree hard enough that it left a large dent.

"Simple," she repeated to herself. "And so easy."

"You said something, Momo-chan?" Orihime asked from behind her.

"Ah! N-no," she replied and smiled. It pained her facial muscles and probably looked more like a grimace.

"Are you okay?"

"Mm hmm!" Momo nodded. In a low voice, she added, "…This is going to go well, right?"

Orihime smiled warmly at her new classmate. "Of course it will."

Grimmjow kicked another rock. Somewhere in the distance, Momo could hear glass shattering.

Orihime held Momo's hand. "Of course it will," she repeated. "It will go wonderfully."


	3. when we're poisoning pigeons in the park

The teacher adjusted her glasses and mentally counted the large, peculiar-looking group standing in front of her. "…Right," she said. "We have seven new transfer students. That's a lot."

"What a cool-looking group!" Keigo loudly whispered to no one in particular.

The teacher shook her head, scowling at the thought that her classroom had just increased by seven. "I don't know any of you kids. Introduce yourselves." She sat back down at her desk and opened what appeared to be a women's magazine.

Everyone was silent.

Finally, Ulquiorra stepped forward.

"My name is Ulquiorra. You will address me as, 'Ulquiorra' unless I order you not to," he said simply.

Seeing Orihime's nervous, expectant expression, he remembered that he would have to appear friendlier. What was it that idiot shopkeeper instructed him to say…? Ah, yes.

"My favorite animal is the puppy," Ulquiorra continued. "My hobby is hopscotch. I liked colored gumballs. I find socializing to be enjoyable."

Keigo found himself nodding along vigorously with every word. He and this hip-looking guy had EVERYTHING in common! A new best friendship was being born!

Orihime applauded him enthusiastically. "Welcome to our class, Ulquiorra-kun!" she said happily.

"Leave the clapping and greeting 'til after class, people," the teacher said, her head still bowed over her magazine.

"I'll go next!" Nel volunteered. "My name is Nel. I know Kurosaki Ichigo already, so if you are a friend of his, you will be a friend of mine."

_Oh, great, _Ichigo thought, glancing at Rukia and ignoring his classmates' stares. _More rumors. _

"Hello, Nel-chan! I'm currently Ichigo's best friend!" Keigo shouted, waving at her enthusiastically. He'd been told about their … new visitors … in advance but he wasn't expecting people so … friendly-looking. Could she also be best friend material? "We're going to get along so well!"

She smiled at him, and Keigo could feel himself swooning. "I like …" She looked thoughtful for a minute. "I like interesting people. Let's all be friends."

No! Keigo decided. She could be MORE than his best friend! From now on, for the rest of his life, all other girls were dead to him, he now knew, and he absentmindedly began doodling sloppy hearts on his desk with permanent marker. The smell started to make him feel light-headed. These are the fumes of LOVE, he decided.

"Right," said Grimmjow, clearly bored. "Grimmjow."

"…Uh, don't you want to tell the class about yourself, mayb-?" Hinamori suggested.

"-No."

Keigo was nodding again, this time solemn. This blue-haired man was _such _a bad ass.

Hinamori felt nervous, as if she were starting the Academy all over again. "I'm Hinamori Momo," she said. "It's, um, great to meet everyone and I'm sure we'll get along really well and … stuff." She scratched the back of her neck. "Er … Next?"

"Abarai Renji. I'm excited to be here."

"Matsumoto Rangiku," she announced with a wink, twirling her hair over her finger. "I know I'll just love you all."

Several boys sighed dreamily, while others self-consciously preened themselves by tugging at imaginary lint on their shirts or smoothing back their hair.

"You could call me Shuuhei, I guess. I like-"

Just then Rangiku yawned and two buttons on her blouse burst unexpectedly. Nobody could recall (or cared) what Shuuhei said after that. Not even Shuuhei.

"Okay, take your seats," the teacher instructed.

And just then, the lunch bell rang (oddly early, the teacher pondered).

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Hinamori surveyed the large, rectangular table. _Where shall I sit? _she wondered, the strangeness of it all causing her to feel slightly excited. The corner looked appealing … Then Orihime could come and they would sit right next to each other and could even split their lunches … Well, she would be happy to share some of her lunch, at least.

This could be fun, she thought as she took a seat. She wasn't used to having close friends who were female, and Orihime just seemed so nice and sweet and-

"I'm fucking starving," Grimmjow announced as he plopped down next to her so hard that the bench shook. "What's for lunch?"

"…What?"

He seized her lunchbox and began rifling through the contents.

"Where's the lunch Orihime made you?" Hinamori asked, angry that he was pawing through her food.

"Threw it away. Obviously."

"Why?"

"Smelled like shit."

"You can't take my lunch!" she yelled and grabbed her lunchbox back.

"Aren't you in charge of fucking feeding me?" he asked her, clearly pissed off.

Momo bit the inside of her cheek. "Yes," she acquiesced. "I am."

"So maybe you should hand over some of your goddamn food already."

"Here," she said, carefully dividing everything in half. "I'm not going to do this again, though. Bring your own lunch from now on."

"Make this for dinner, too," he said, his mouth full.

"Mmmm!" She nudged Tatsuki with her elbow. "Doesn't this smell delicious, Tatsuki-chan? Peanut butter, turnip and anchovy pancakes with a dill pickle syrup! Don't eat it all too fast, Ulquiorra! We wouldn't want you to choke and die!"

"No worries," he said, and continued to stare at – but not touch – his meal.

"Orihime," Tatsuki spoke slowly. "I want more information on all these new kids. More. Way more. Like … Why are their hairstyles so stupid?"

"Ehehe, you ask such difficult questions, Tatsuki-chan! B-but they're just so a-awesome, and as you can see … we're all such great friends … already…" Orihime finished feebly.

Tatsuki arched an eyebrow. "…Right."

It didn't _look _like they were all getting along. The small, pale, black-haired boy was sitting next to Orihime and hadn't spoken one word to anyone yet, although he had unpacked his peanut butter, turnip and anchovy pancakes with dill pickle syrup and was now gazing at them sadly. The two big-busted women were sitting next to each other and idly gossiping. Every now and then, one would squeal and hug the other, causing Keigo to loudly gasp and then choke on his sandwich. The blue-haired boy was sitting next to the petite, black-haired girl and had apparently seized half her lunch as his. The girl was glaring at him angrily between chews. The man with the band aid on his face was sitting across from Rukia, and they seemed to be hitting it off well, while Ichigo watched and occasionally tried to get a word in.

"Please, Tatsuki-chan?" Orihime whispered. "Give them a chance, please?"

Tatsuki ruffled her best friend's hair affectionately. "Well, yes, of course."

Orihime smiled, obviously relieved. "Hey, Ulquiorra! You haven't touched your lunch! Come on, let's get a juice! I know how much you love juice!"

She rose and left.

Ulquiorra waited a moment before (rather awkwardly) informing everyone, "… I don't actually like juice. I find it unpleasantly and pointlessly sweet." But he still rose and joined her.

Tatsuki was left alone with the new kids. _Great, _she thought sullenly. But whatever. She had promised Orihime that she would be their friend, after all.

"Hello," she said to the man with the strangely-pointy, bright red hair.

He watched her suspiciously and then finally responded, "…Hi."

"I'm Arisawa Tatsuki. What's your name, again?"

There was an uncomfortable silence and he looked irritated. Tatsuki felt as though she was introducing herself to a sullen toddler. _Can this guy even talk? _She asked herself.

Then, "Abarai Renji."

"It is nice to meet you, Abarai Renji." Her voice was oddly formal. "I remember that name now. I've … heard things about you. Interesting things," she added lamely. God, she sucked at conversation sometimes.

He looked apprehensive, like she'd just told him she knew where he lived and watched him change into his pajamas each night or something. "…Uh, awesome," he said.

Shit. This was awkward. And boring. "Ichigo complimented your fighting style."

"Oh." He seemed to relax and shrugged lightly. "There _is _a lot to compliment," he agreed, nodding.

"I like to fight. I'm ranked second in all of Japan in Karate!" she said eagerly. "Let's spar sometime!"

"No."

"Huh?"

"I'd kick your ass, and then rumors would spread that I beat up women. Not worth my time."

"What?!" Tatsuki sputtered. "What the hell kind of stupid, sexist statement is that? Who the hell do you think you are?!"

By now the entire table had quieted and was watching their exchange, and Ulquiorra and Orihime had carefully resumed their seats.

"You heard me!" Renji responded, agitated. "If I fought you, it'd be over in three seconds. It'd be pointless."

"You. Bastard." Tatsuki growled and cracked her knuckles. "Outside. Me and you. We'll settle this."

"Tatsuki-chan!" Orihime placed her hand on her friend's arm. "Please, no fighting!"

Tatsuki chewed the inside of her cheek to keep from shouting. That didn't work, so then she cracked her knuckles, bit her tongue, closed her eyes and counted to ten. Opening her eyes and reflecting on her Zen, she finally agreed: "… Fine. You're right. It'd be a waste of time to fight that one, anyways."

"This one needs to work on her anger management," Renji said to no one in particular, feeling less bored than he had been 10 minutes ago.

Ten and a half seconds later, he had to borrow several of Orihime's napkins in order to clean a peanut butter, turnip and anchovy pancake with a dill pickle syrup off his face.

"My anger has been managed," Tatsuki said, settling herself back into her seat and taking a large bite of her sandwich. He wasn't so bad, she decided.

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it is tiem for AUTHOR NOTE:

hi, i am soner. i liek chapstick and porn. thank you for the reviews. but a couple of things:

1) this is a story without much of a plot. i guess it could be considered an affectionate homage to the numerous "ESPADA (usually ulquiorra) GOES TO HIGH SCHOOL - SILLY SHENANIGANS TIEMZ" fics because i effing love that concept, not gonna lie. let's face it - the espada - particularly grimmjow and ulquiorra and even more particularly, the _relationship _between grimmjow and ulquiorra (and i want to include nel in this as well)- are so ripe for crack that i find it to be an awful tragedy that, duuurrr, _there is almost no espada crack. _le sigh. anyways. the point of this story is to just let the characters play off each other. not much has happened yet, but i can assure you that interesting things start happening in the next chapter. ohhh yeeeaaahhh.

2) **i need a beta reader.** i do not like proof-reading what i write. (in case you can't tell, lol oh snap) it is too much work and i am lazy. **leave a comment in a review if you're interested.**

3) leave reviews. even if it's just to tell me what you ate for dinner. i snort reviews like crystal meth, so i need moaaaaaar, much moar.


	4. and every sunday you'll see

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This instructor was thin, pale and, upon viewing the eight new students in his class, oddly anxious. As his white knuckles tightly clutched the corner of his desk, he was concentrating on the attendance list and noiselessly mouthing each of the unfamiliar names to himself.

Finally, he looked up at the class. His eyes darted from Nel to Grimmjow to Ulquiorra to Rukia, and then to Rangiku, finally to Shuuhei, but then also to Renji and Momo.

"I'm not sure how to pronounce some of these names," he admitted, clearly ashamed of himself. Meekly, he pointed a (slightly) shaky finger at Grimmjow and Ulquiorra.

"Fuck, it's not that hard," said Grimmjow, annoyed.

Ulquiorra also thought this to be somewhat ridiculous. Even though that idiot Grimmjow displayed no mental capacity for the concept of "raising your hand to speak" and nothing he ever said could be taken seriously … he did have a point. And, his name wasn't _that _hard to say, was it?

"I can help you there, teacher!" Keigo shouted, the force of the volume almost launching him out of his seat. "Listen to me when I say 'GRIMM-JOW AND UL-QUI-OR-RA!'"

"Oh," the professor said, embarrassed. "T-thank you, Keigo," he nodded.

"You're welcome!" Keigo beamed, nodding back enthusiastically. "Are they not the coolest names you've ever heard of?! T-that is …" he added, covering his face with his hands and peeking through his fingers at Nel. "Except for y-your awesome name, N-Nel-chan."

Nel smiled at him. She was so happy to be meeting all of these new people. Were all humans so generous and honest? "Thank you," she said earnestly, and winked.

As all artistic geniuses were wont to do when confronted with a new muse, Keigo knew that if he did not find a creative outlet to unleash these tsunamis of feelings crashing through his tummy, he would simply explode! Urgently, he searched for his sharpie and began doodling hearts on his desk.

"R-right," the teacher continued. "I'm just going to go lay down a bit … Ishida and Inoue can take over for me, I'm sure…" And with that, he left the classroom.

"… Right," Ishida spoke after a moment of silence. He looked at Orihime.

"… Yeah," she said. "Well, we did some sewing last class … How about we finish that?" She shrugged.

"Okay, sounds good," Ishida agreed. "We have the sewing kits and there should be enough extra for all you new people … Inoue-san and I will come over and help you with any questions, okay?"

Approximately two minutes later, Nel found herself staring at a small kit containing mini-scissors, threads of many colors and many needles of different sizes. There were also a few buttons (the same as the ones on her shirt, she noted), and, separate from all this, there was what seemed to be a hoop with fabric over the top.

"So now, I make something pretty," she said to herself.

But wait, she thought, troubled. When was the last time she'd sewed? Back in Hueco Mundo, Dondochakka and Pesche considered themselves to be "Expert Domestics Master Kings" and so anytime she ripped or dropped her snacks on her clothes, they would fix everything. And if there was something they didn't know (which almost never happened, and sometimes she thought they knew everything), she would find Tesla. So, unfortunately, she never actually learned how to sew … or remove stains … or make her own snacks…

She studied her sewing kit once more. _I want a snack, _she self-reflected sadly.

"Nel," someone said, and she looked up to see Ishida standing in front of her. "Do you know how to sew?" he asked quite kindly.

"No."

"I'll help her! ME! I'LL HELP HER!" Keigo submitted helpfully.

"No," Ishida said simply, his tone sharp. "You will not help her. Not until your own handicraft skills reach the level of 'semi-mediocre' will I even consider one day letting you tutor a beginner," he finished, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

Keigo blinked. "Then … maybe she can help me?" he asked, and then blushed beet red at the boldness of his suggestion. What an outspoken guy he was sometimes! S

"No," Ishida answered. "You will go back to your seat and then attempt to produce needle-work that actually bears a resemblance, shape-wise, to something else."

"You're right," Keigo agreed, nodding. "I like your methods of teaching! Just like my mother always told me, 'There's nothing wrong with tough love, as long as the love is unconditional!' As weird as you are, I understand and appreciate why you push me to do my best, Ishida!"

"Tough love is sometimes necessary," Nel agreed. "Have you thought about using tougher means of love, Ishida? Such as whips? Chains? Tying him up and leaving him somewhere?"

Ishida was silent. The only indication he heard her was his jaw, which seemed to be clenching tighter and tighter. He remained mute.

Keigo was also silent, but inside his mind, firecrackers and hurricanes and imploding supernovas were taking place. _FINALLY! _He was screaming to himself, _A WOMAN AS OUTSPOKEN AND BOLD AS I! _

"Go back to your seat," Ishida said finally, his eyes darkening as he held a large needle in such a way that the light reflected of its sharp tip threateningly.

"I'll talk to you later, Nel-chan!" Keigo waved behind him as he scampered back to his desk.

"Okay, watch me," Ishida instructed carefully. "First, we thread the needle."

"What color?"

"Any color you want."

"All of them."

"No, just one color."

"That's not what I want."

"Do you want this project to look homemade?" he asked, annoyed. "Too much thread in the needle will make this design look hairy and sloppy. And, it won't even get through the fabric. It will become unwieldy and will tangle. All of this should be obvious."

"I want green thread."

"That is fine."

"Thread it for me," she said, and pushed the kit towards him.

"It will go much faster if I do it myself," he agreed. Within seconds, the needle had been neatly threaded with a lovely emerald-green thread.

"You must have a lot of practice," she said admiringly. "That was awesome."

"U-uh, well, yes, I do," he said, slightly taken aback. He was not used to praise so easily given.

"That took, like, three seconds. Do you have these needles at home or something?" Nel asked, carefully holding the needle between her fingers.

"Absolutely not," he said derisively. "I have a special arrangement of needles to use for embroidery, depending on whether I am wishing to follow the Bayeux, Bradford, Jacobean or Quaker tapestry styles, just to name a few."

"Uh, yeah," Nel nodded.

"The technique and stitches matter as well," he continued. "Will there been stem, chain, perhaps split stitches? Or perhaps satin, couched or seed stitches? Am I planning on having any French knots?"

"… Am I?"

"No, of course not, you're a beginner, and I wouldn't want to teach you to rely on them, anyways."

"Uh," she said.

"Now," he said in the manner of a man who is of great importance. "Let's get started."

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"Of course I can sew," Ulquiorra said brusquely, slightly irritated at the idea that she considered him uneducated in matters of utmost practicality.

Orihime was flustered. "Ah, well, I mean," she said. "It's not that I didn't think you _couldn't, _it's just that … maybe … sewing didn't use to be a priority of yours? Yeah?"

"I don't fucking know how to sew," Grimmjow supplied.

"I know how to sew," Ulquiorra replied slowly, "because I respected my clothing enough to know that I could not trust any of the other trash there to keep it looking respectable."

"He added pockets to everything," Grimmjow submitted.

"But do you know how to embroider shapes?" Orihime asked.

"It cannot be that difficult," said Ulquiorra. "You may go help the other idiots who are ignorant in the matters of simple needle-work. They will need you more."

"Alright, then," she smiled, happy to find another handicraft-capable buddy. She should convince him to join the club! Gleefully, she skipped off to help someone else.

"You gonna knit her a bouquet of flowers?" Grimmjow asked.

"Don't be an idiot," Ulquiorra replied.

"How 'bout a teddy bear? I bet she'd love one of those."

"You are jealous that I can sew. You cannot and are doomed to certain failure in this project, and you are taking it out on me, just like an ill-bred piece of trash would."

"Knit her a bunch of fucking hearts."

Ulquiorra closed his eyes for a minute before replying, "Our finished results will speak for themselves."

"Not sure my sewing could ever compare to yours," he said, but reached for his sewing kit anyways. He had been eying those needles with interest ever since class began.

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"Shuuhei, I don't know what to do," Rangiku sighed sadly. "Do it for me?" She sighed again, making sure that her bosom heaved sufficiently.

"Um," he gulped. "Well, uh.. You really don't have experience, err, adjusting clothing to make it fit you?"

"No," she said, fingering the top button of her shirt and pouting. "Kira does all that for me."

"Wait, so he, like, measures you a-and-" He couldn't finish the sentence. He turned away for a minute and cursed the mental picture.

"Sewing is pointless," Rangiku whined loudly.

"Here," Shuuhei said, awkwardly shoving his half-finished needlepoint toward her. "Take it and finish it. I'll start another one."

Just then, the top button on Rangiku's shirt popped off, the force of its expulsion launching it halfway across the room.

"Well, shoot," she said crossly, securing a safety pin through the now-unoccupied button hole. "You will become my new tailor." She winked with all the cuteness she could muster and began to randomly stab needle into the hoop. "Tonight we will split a bottle of sake and then you can take my measurements."

"…Oh," he said, biting the inside of his cheek. In his carelessness, he jabbed himself with the needle four times. "A-alright."

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Finally, it was over.

"Okay, everyone!" Orihime announced. "It's time to pass your projects forward so we can grade them!"

There was quiet muttering and shuffling as everyone dutifully passed their fabric hoops to the front. Orihime and Ishida carefully lay them all on the front table and, for some time, there was silence as they stared at their classmates' work.

And kept staring.

Hinamori had made a sun. Probably. It was rather square, but it was bright yellow with little orange lines coming out of it. She had also used black marker to draw some fluffy, white clouds around it.

"You weren't really supposed to _draw _on these," Ishida noted.

Hinamori looked nervous. She wished Kira were here to sew for her.

"It's nice and happy," Orihime said. "You get an A!"

Rukia sewed a kitten. Or something along the lines of that. It had two ears and a tail. And two hands and two legs. Its smile was both empty-looking and evil. Its eyes were rather soulless. It was probably a cat, Orihime decided.

"It is excellent," Rukia submitted.

"Well, I guess it's a shape-" Ishida began.

"Yes, wonderful!" Orihime interrupted. "Another A!"

Ichigo had sewn a Shakespearean sonnet on his fabric hoop.

"That's, uh, almost impressive, Kurosaki. Surprisingly. But Shakespeare is outdated and borin-"

"Yay, words! Pretty words! One more A!"

Shuuhei had made a lovely batch of lilacs.

"…That's really good," Ishida and Orihime both agreed. "A, obviously," Ishida added.

Rangiku's was … a study in contrasts. It started out as a very nice daisy (about half-way done) but then morphed into random long, sloppy, straight lines, which then gave way to the hand-drawn words of 'Where I'd rather be.' Then there were arrows pointing to several half-full sake bottles.

"Very creative," Orihime nodded. "A!"

Grimmjow had stabbed the underside of his fabric hoop with all the needles he could find, as well as several pairs of scissors. The pointy ends were very visible and very sharp. Orihime handled it with care and made a mental note to hide all the needles in the apartment.

"It looks like a hedgehog! An A for you!"

"What's this one," Ishida asked her quietly, poking and prodding Ulquiorra's submission.

It took Orihime a minute to feel confident enough to guess. Ulquiorra had made a red … something. It was mostly round … ish. The shape was filled in with somewhat sporadic red lines, probably conveying something that was supposed to be entirely red. There was a small, many-sided green shape at the top.

"Oh! I know what it is!" she nodded, smiling at an irritated-looking Ulquiorra. "It's a tomato!"

"It's very obvious," Ulquiorra informed them sullenly.

"Yeah," said Ishida. "Very."

"Aha, well it's also obvious that you get an A!" Orhime decided.

Keigo had sewn a piece of sushi. A pink piece of salmon was perched upon a small rectangle of rice. _Yummy_, Orihime thought. _But it needs some grape jam. _

"I love sushi!" Keigo informed everyone passionately.

"Me too," Nel agreed. "Buy me some."

Keigo felt as though his heart would explode. "OF COURSE, NEL-CHAN! W-what k-k-kind?" he asked shyly.

"Any kind." She smiled at her new friend. "All of it."

Keigo nodded vigorously. He took out his sharpie and scrawled a note on his hand and arm: REMINDER – BUY ALL THE SUSHI!!!!!! 3

"Uh, well, it's good, so you get an A," Ishida said, arching his eyebrow.

Nel had made a smiley face. It was pretty jagged, and the lines were long and awkward, but at least it was pretty apparent what it actually was.

"It's good for your first time," Ishida said to her. "You get an A."

"Anything else?" Nel asked, looking rather eager.

"…No," he replied looking rather confused. "You get the highest grade possible. The exact opposite of failing. You should be proud. And that's it."

"Oh," she said, looking disappointed.

"Don't worry, Nel-chan! You get sushi as well!" Keigo loudly informed her.

"Yay," she smiled. "I hope that happens every time I get an A."

"It will!"

"Um, we don't have time to go over all the rest," Orihime said sadly. "So everyone gets an A, 'cause they all look awesome!" She gave the class a thumbs-up. "Time to go to health class!"

"I heard we've got a new health teacher," Tatsuki said to Ichigo as they shuffled out the door.

"Ha, really?" He was happy to hear this, since the last teacher had been an idiot, in his mind.

"Yeah," she nodded. "This one's actually a doctor, too."

"Good," he said, satisfied that maybe for once he could get a well-rounded education in at least _one _subject. "That's really good to hear."

There were one or two butterflies of fear that suddenly started fluttering in his stomach, but he dismissed them. They must be nerves at the idea of being introduced to a new, professional instructor, he told himself.

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author's note: dun dun dun duuuuuuuuuun!! beware, ichigo. :O


	5. both my sweetheart and me

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For several minutes, the students sat in their chairs, wondering why their new professor would be late for their first class.

"Maybe they are so busy saving lives that they forget?" Tatsuki suggested.

"No, that's stupid," Renji said. "They're coming."

"You don't _know _that," Tatsuki said crossly.

"I do know that. I know who the new teacher is," he replied, glancing furtively at Ichigo.

"So do I," submitted Rangiku, also stealing a look in Ichigo's direction, a small smile tugging at her lips. "He's a good doctor, and I look forward to this class very much." Now she was flat-out grinning.

"They are hiding something," Rukia observed, also now watching Ichigo expectantly. "As am I. I also know who this new teacher is, Ichigo."

"Eh," Ichigo shrugged and slouched down low in his seat.

Footsteps were echoing down the hallway, and then, there was a light rattling of the doorknob. Finally, the new instructor had arrived. Slowly, the door began to open, but then paused.

"As long as they know what they're doing," Ichigo continued, "I don't care who-"

The door flew open, slamming into the wall with a sharp, loud BANG!

"HELLO, MY NEW STUDENTS!" a joyfully exuberant, terrifyingly familiar voice called out. The man strode to the front of the room with the gait of someone of great importance.

Ichigo could not breathe, could not blink. All he could hear was his heartbeat, growing more and more deafening within his ears. Even though it could not have been more than seven seconds, it felt more like seven thousand million billion years.

"My name is Kurosaki Isshin! No, Doctor! _Doctor Kurosaki Isshin!" _ He said, hand over heart. "I am his father," he added, winking in what he thought was a roguish manner, his finger pointing straight at Ichigo's heart. "Hello, son."

"Isn't this a pleasant surprise, Ichigo?" Rukia asked him.

"Yeah, Ichigo," Renji agreed. "What a great surprise."

All of the Shinigami were staring at him. Their smug, all-knowing smiles were identical. His … _father _was also staring at him with that ridiculous, infuriating, _stupid _Give-Me-A-Hug-Right-This-Second!! expression in his singing, eager eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU STUPID OLD MAN?!" Ichigo shouted, throwing his textbook at the demon, hoping that this toss could accurately convey his feelings of anger, shock, betrayal, humiliation and horror.

Isshin caught it single-handedly, as if Ichigo had thrown a cotton ball. "Tut tut," he said, his eyes becoming serious. "I cannot have my boy acting up in class and setting a bad example for his peers." He closed his eyes sadly and shook his head gravely.

Ichigo buried his head in his hands and was completely silent.

"Is he going to start weeping?" Rukia asked.

"But to answer your question, son," Isshin continued. "I am simply here to …" His eyes swept over Nel, Ulquiorra and Grimmjow. "… Keep an eye on things."

Ichigo began pinching himself furiously, sure that this was all just a nightmare and if he willed it hard enough, he could awake and escape its clutches.

"And to teach you about health, of course! Well, I'm sure that you all are wondering why you have been ushered in a room with such an important-looking man!" Isshin closed his eyes for a second and let the words echo in his head. Ahh, they sounded wonderfully important! "As some of you have probably guessed, my white coat and stethoscope prove that I am a doctor!"

"I used to go to you when I was young! In fact, sometimes I still go to you now!" Keigo shouted.

Isshin nodded vigorously. "Yes, Keigo! I know you! In fact, I know quite a few of you in here. My name is Kurosaki Isshin, M.D., but to some of you, I am simply known as 'Father.'"

This had to have been punishment, Ichigo thought. Did he forget to do something? The dishes? The laundry? Furiously, he wrecked his brain for forgotten chores. None. So, Ichigo was torn. Everyone knew that sins of the father carry down through generations. If he killed Isshin, he would curse his line for all eternity. In other words, it would probably end up being a bad idea to kill his father, Ichigo decided. Breathe in, breathe out.

"So!" Isshin slapped his hands on the desk. "Why is such a handsome doctor as myself standing in front of a brood of ignorant, impudent minors? Well, you see, the school asked me to! I have a lot of experience with impudent children, thanks to that one!" He pointed right at Ichigo and shook his head in despair. "Must it be so difficult for a father to procure just a simple hug? There are orphans all over the world who would give their _lives _in exchange for a single hug from father …"

Keigo spun around to shake his head in disgust and pointedly glare at Ichigo.

Ichigo was too distracted by the blood roaring in his ears, and his single, repeated mental chant of "This is a nightmare and I will awake any second now. This is a nightmare and I will awake any second now."

"Oh, wait," Isshin spoke slowly. "I see that your bright, eager minds must still be working overtime trying to figure out why I'm here. Let me tell you!" He cleared his throat. "I am here to teach! And it is time to start our first class! Who here has heard about the relationship between storks and babies?"

_No. _Ichigo mouthed, knowing it was futile. _No, no, no fucking way, I will kill you. _His clothes were soaked with sweat.

Ulquiorra looked at Orihime with a mildly confused expression. "What is this about large birds and human children?" he asked. She refused to meet his eye, already knowing what this discussion was going to be.

Keigo enthusiastically waved his hand in the air. "I have!" he shouted. "I have heard of this association! It's not true, though!"

"Excellent, my boy!" Isshin winked and gave him a thumbs-up. "You are correct! Storks do NOT have anything to do with reproduction! And that, children, is why I'm here! The school has decided that your days of innocence and ignorance are over! Today we have … SEX EDUCATION WITH DOCTOR KUROSAKI!"

An awkward silence swept the room.

_I could teach this class, _Rangiku reflected self-satisfyingly.

Ulquiorra was still politely peering at Orihime, waiting for her to notice him. "What is all this about?" he asked her again.

Keigo exhaled, loudly. He couldn't believe it. Here it was: Sex Education. And he was sitting next to _Nel. _He was the luckiest man in the world. He felt so overwhelmed at the thought that he buried his burning face in his hands. _Wait_ … he thought, and cautiously peered through fingers at the lady sitting next to him. _Was this like a date …?_

Isshin surveyed his classroom. Maybe he missed his calling. Maybe he should have been a teacher. He thought that something within him – specifically his superior vena cava, or perhaps even his tricuspid valve! - was going to burst from the pressure of all this internal pride. It was as if he'd acquired twenty new children today! Mother was going to be so happy to hear the wonderful news!

Isshin clapped his hands loudly. "So! I'm sure that everyone is anxious to begin the partner activities!"

The class stared blankly back at him, and Isshin chuckled at their contagious enthusiasm. Ah, the energy of estrus!

"I will divide you into partners, and we can begin pair exercises right away!" Isshin grinned. "Ulquiorra, my son!"

"…What?"

"You and Orihime-chan can be partners for this exercise!"

"I, er, yes, certainly, Doctor Kurosaki!" Orihime nervously choked out. Ulquiorra had never seen her so flustered.

Isshin paused for a second, and then ran over to her. He swooped down to engulf her in a hug and deposited a paper bag on her desk. "You sound so cute when you say 'Doctor Kurosaki!" he said, overjoyed, and then skipped off to assign the next pairing.

"What are we doing?" Ulquiorra asked again. He was growing tired of repeating himself.

"I-I really don't know," she admitted, still not wanting to look him in the eye. "I-er, we have to open this bag and … and … there will be instructions," she trailed off in a whisper.

_No! _she immediately scolded herself. _Relax! _She had to set a good example for Ulquiorra. Being uncomfortable with sex was a bad thing, and might lead him to be ashamed of his body, she reasoned. She read somewhere that people who weren't at ease with their bodies would develop a myriad of problems – like eating disorders! Inoue Orihime would not let that happen!

"This is a really great exercise!" she said much louder than she had intended.

Ulquiorra said nothing (although he looked at her rather strangely) and reached in the bag. He pulled out two condoms and a banana, along with instructions hand-written by Doctor Kurosaki that read, "_Both of you must put the condom on the banana! Have fun, you rascals!" _

Orihime wondered if her face was on fire.

Carefully, Ulquiorra picked up one of the condom wrappers and read the instructions. Then, he picked up the banana and examined it, his eyes slowly going from condom to banana and back to the condom again.

"This is not worth making a fuss over," he said. "The instructions are straight-forward and very simple. We could be finished in less than a minute, if you calmed down."

Orihime gaped at her partner.

"Here," he said. "I shall go first."

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"Ichigo!" Isshin said, somberly.

"What. The hell. Do you. _Fucking. __**Want**__._" Ichigo spoke through gritted and grinding teeth.

"I cannot trust you with just any lady in this room. You are my son, after all! And the fact is, while I have not yet seen any evidence of it yet, and I will start rejoicing once I see the signs, _you have it in you be a scoundrel._"

Ichigo was so appalled that he could not speak.

Isshin pointed at Rukia, who was coloring her fingernails with neon markers. "She is the only-known tamer for the wild stallion that will someday explode within your soul, boy! Rukia-chan will be your partner!" Isshin then (wisely) ran off to assign more partners.

Rukia looked up. "What are we doing?"

Ichigo didn't look at her. He couldn't. "This is the worst day of my life," he responded.

"Okay," she replied blandly. "What are you making for dinner tonight?"

"I'm going to kill myself, Rukia," he informed her.

"I want something with teriyaki sauce," she said. "I've had an irresistible urge for that lately."

"Stop thinking about dinner!" He grabbed the paper bag, tore it open and shoved the page of instructions toward Rukia.

"One partner – preferably the boy, not because women don't do this but in real life, but at this delicate age, a young lad's hormones are rocketing and ricocheting within him and he feels out of control. Indeed, there are volcanic eruptions of manly urges. Sometimes they will try to weasel out of using a condom during sex," she read.

Ichigo swallowed loudly.

"He will try to use the list of excuses on page one," she continued. "The second partner will counter his pathetic begging with a list of scientific reasons why they must use a condom. Alright, so who will assume the role of whom?" she asked, looking at him.

"Don't look at me!" he snapped, unable to think … at all … of anything.

"Okay," she said, unaffected. "You're obviously intimidated by this exercise, so I'll handle both parts."

"I can do this fine!"

"I am too large for a condom," she continued, ignoring him. "It will not fit me."

"I can do this," he repeated, and grabbed a sheet. Looking at it, he realized that it was the wrong one – he'd grabbed 'Dr. Kurosaki's Failsafe, Scientific Counter-Arguments to Lazy, Irresponsible, Selfish Boys Who Won't Wear Condoms'. He swore under his breath. And then he swore again, loudly.

"I am too large for a condom, Ichigo," Rukia repeated. "It will not fit me."

"This is a stupid lie," Ichigo read, after contemplating his life for a few seconds and deciding that finally, he just wasn't going to feel anything, anymore, ever again. He continued: "Condoms are stupendous inventions that can stretch to unbelievable proportions. Do not believe me? Look at the photos I have included."

"Oh, look at these, Ichigo," Rukia said, impressed.

He continued to read, "Here I am wearing condoms that have been rolled up to my elbows. Here I am wearing condoms that have been rolled almost up my knees. Here I am wearing a condom that has been stretched over my entire head and face. Here I am with condoms over my legs, arms and head at the same time. If I can manage to do all this, surely his erection is not too big for a condom," Ichigo finished, by now too numb to be affected by anything.

"Your father is a creative man," Rukia spoke thoughtfully, gazing at the pictures with admiration.

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"So, um, okay, we have a trivia quiz," Hinamori said.

"I'm not fucking retarded, so you can stop repeating yourself," said Grimmjow. "I know we have a quiz."

Hinamori reminded herself to be professional. And to not be angry. Or, failing that, to channel her anger into strict professionalism.

"Okay," she said sharply. "Question number one! Humans, chimps and dolphins are the only animals documented to … " Oh, god. "To … uh … do what…?"

"Use condoms."

"That's, um, not –"

"Fuck standing up."

"N-no, the correct answer-"

"Blowjobs."

"No! They have sex for pleasure!" Hinamori's words rushed out of her in what felt like one syllable.

"Like I wouldn't have got there eventually."

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"Shuuhei," Rangiku frowned. "This says that after three drinks, the libido plummets."

"That's … not really true at all," Shuuhei thought aloud.

"No," she shook her head, still scowling. "That's a complete lie."

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"What are we supposed to do with a bento box?" Renji asked, confused.

"I think he gave us his lunch by mistake," Tatsuki shrugged.

"Oh,"

"Dig in."

"Yeah, sounds good."

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Isshin gazed at his children adoringly. It was with great pain and effort that he finally spoke. "Kids! Daddy has to dismiss you now!"

Ichigo stared back at his father. His expression was unreadable. Isshin made a mental note to hide all the sharp knives in the house for a few days.

"Yes, our time is over, but never fear!" the good doctor continued. "I will see you again soon, and there will be many new educational experiences!"

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**author's note!** sudden ending is sudden. oh well. i just wanted to say something: the ratio of story hits to reviews is sad. and so, i wanted to thank **spockie, geofunt, milomaxwell, kavyle, fantasygirlgowil113, king of stories, ino1693, imagination land, cuna999, hinodeh, takashid, crimson masquerade, hoshina hana** and **aly dee** for your wonderful reviews. they keep me going and help validate my low self esteem. :O


	6. as we poison pigeons in the park

MEANWHILE, IN STUDY HALL

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Before she could control herself, a large, hollow, windy sigh escaped from deep within her, startling several of her classmates sitting nearby.

"Chizuru-san!" Keigo exclaimed, worried. "Are you okay? One of the first signs of tuberculosis is difficulty breathing accompanied by pain in the chest!" He bit his lip.

"I'm fine, just fine," she answered, not even bothering to wrestle his palm off her forehead. "Just tired."

"Good, that's good," he nodded, settling back in his seat, visibly relieved that his classmate would not be dying of tubercle bacilli anytime soon. Not on his watch!

Chizuru sighed again (inwardly, this time) and shifted her attention to the student who was seated three chairs to her left and then three more chairs forward. Her heart ached at what she saw.

Orihime-chan was having a quiet conversation with … _him. _She appeared to be trying to explain the mechanics of raising your hand to ask permission to use the bathroom. _He _was frowning and shaking his head slightly. He was upset at the idea.

Chizuru couldn't blame him. He was right. She'd never before realized just _how _large a blow to the pride it was. Raising your hand, informing the entire class that you must leave to do … that? She closed her eyes and nodded along with him, her support silent but present. And strong.

Immediately, she snapped out of her haze and glared at him. Orihime looked troubled. His profile was obstinate, and she could both see and feel his resolve. It refused to budge, and she admired him for that.

In her belly she could feel white-hot churnings of disgust, envy, indigestion from an improperly-cooked lunch and … a strange arousal. Biting her lip in anger and gripping her desk tightly, she remembered what her book, _Hormones Are Weird But Cool: What to Expect When You're Expecting Puberty, _had assured her, and she could feel herself relaxing. Such fluctuations in her feelings were normal. It was okay to experiment, it said. And, she could recall reading, such practicing would be a wonderful asset in college. (Though she wasn't entirely sure what that part was about.)

_Ul-qui-orra_, she mouthed to herself, and then decided that there was no shame in utterly surrendering to her feelings. The name just rolled off her tongue like a gourmet taco, and she closed her eyes, lost in her senses.

_Inoue Orihime. _Why was she **always **with him? It was unfair. She was an Ulquiorra-hog. The goddess' assets were no longer an asset. Perhaps once they were out of the picture, Ulquiorra's eyes would be opened and he'd finally be able to concentrate on something else.

_Someone_ else.

"Keigo," she whispered, sharply jabbing him in the ribs, shoulder and arm.

"OW! What?"

Chizuru beckoned for him to lean closer and said very quietly and seriously, "Kurosaki Ichigo and Inoue Orihime are in love."

"WHAT?"

"Yes, they are." She could just sense it. "But they are too shy to get together, you know that."

"Oh!" Keigo's eyes were wide. "I thought they weren't together because they assumed that there would be no chance for their children to escape that wretched orange-haired gene! They were protecting society, I thought!"

Tired of merely evesdropping on what may prove to be an interesting conversation, Mizuiro turned around. "I'd assumed it was because Ichigo was unable to be tied down." Or so the rumors he was so fond of spreading said, anyways.

"Maybe it is Inoue who cannot be tied down?" Michuru suggested, as more people came over to offer their opinions. "I mean, look at that body."

"It could be that something _did _happen, but Kurosaki is such a lousy lover that she never went back," Ryo offered.

"I've always worried that Kurosaki would be bad in bed," Mahana said. "Perhaps this is proof."

"There are books about this stuff, though!" Keigo injected. "If this is the case, there is no need for them to be apart! He could learn!"

"Maybe Kurosaki has bad breath and hygiene," said Tetsuo.

"This is a strange conversation," said Rukia, from her seat immediately to the right of Chizuru.

"Yes," Ulquiorra agreed. He was standing right next to Rukia's desk and they seemed to be … filling out paperwork of some kind? But who cares what they were doing! Chizuru's heart was doing somersaults and handstands and triple front flips with double twist backhandsprings.

"Kurosaki and Inoue are in love," she spoke suddenly, her entire being nearly bursting with determination.

"Oh," said Ulquiorra.

"Okay," said Rukia.

"We're going to get them together," Chizuru continued, her classmates' positive reactions empowering her.

"Why?" Rukia asked.

"Because they are in _love _and will not do it on their own!" Chizuru said, annoyed. She stole a glance at Ulquiorra, who was filling out some weird-looking forms, **pretending **to be nonchalant. "Leave this up to Rukia and Ulquiorra and I!"

Ulquiorra was in the middle of tallying his 'Total Acts of Non-Selfish Friendship' for each day of the week, and he noticed that he was a few short. He wasn't trying (since people seemed so determined to come up and force acts of friendship on _him_), but noticing that he was underperforming all the same was … mildly troublesome. How annoying.

"I'm short some, as well," Rukia noted, bothered.

"We are going to do the ultimate act of friendship!" Chizuru continued, oblivious.

Rukia turned to look at him. "This is due at the end of the day."

"We are selfless warriors!" Chizuru was pointing to them both, waiting for their response.

"We are left with no other choice than to carry out this act of friendship," Ulquiorra concluded. He pushed his hands in his pockets and looked slightly more sullen than usual.

Chizuru was overjoyed. "This is perfect! Absolutely perfect!" She slammed her palms on Rukia's desk and said, her eyes glittering dangerously, "I'm going to tell you exactly what to do."

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"Every day that we do this, it will completely fill our 'Total Acts of Non-Selfish Friendship' for the entire day," Rukia noted.

"Yes, it is very friendly of us," Ulquiorra agreed, still not the least bit happy about this assignment. "That 'rainbow sherbert' is disgusting to look at."

"I like ice cream with chocolate candies in it," Rukia continued. "And she's paying us, but no one will know, so we are making a profit here."

"It is not necessary to put chocolate candy in ice cream. They exist separately, and for many reasons-"

"It's absolutely necessary to put chocolate candy in ice cream!"

There was silence.

"Your taste is unrefined," he said, wanting the last word.

Rukia glared. "Your taste is boring."

"Are you kids going to order? Ever?" The man at the ice cream store counter seemed to be becoming agitated, Ulquiorra noticed.

"Yeah, come on!" Several kids behind them in line insisted.

"We are on a romantic date," Rukia informed him, correctly remembering Chizuru's instructions.

"If you see an orange-haired pair come in, you are to inform them of this," Ulquiorra finished for her, knowing that she would not remember the rest of their orders.

"Orange-haired pair?" The shopkeeper relaxed slightly, his addiction for Romantic High School Love Gossip being fed. "You mean Inoue Orihime and Kurosaki Ichigo?"

"You guys are on a date?" several members of the line gasped, and then politely applauded at this information. Then, they began whispering among themselves.

"Can't you see how they look at each other? Those are 'love eyes'!" said another, dreamily.

"They're too shy to hold each other's hands! This is adorable!" one squealed.

"I bet that they met dramatically and everything! Their backstory must be so exciting and romantic!"

Rukia and Ulquiorra were oblivious.

"I want chocolate ice cream with brownie pieces, strawberries, fudge sauce, caramel swirl, chocolate candies, cheesecake chunks and candy bar pieces," Rukia ordered.

Ulquiorra slowly turned to look at her.

The crowd behind them gasped. "We're waiting for him to kiss her!" someone decided to announce.

"That's a ridiculous order," Ulquiorra informed Rukia. "I will have the chocolate ice cream with the caramel sauce on top."

"That is a boring order, but I think you have good intentions," Rukia decided.

"You could cut the sexual tension here with an ice cream scoop," the shop owner declared. "You look kinda emo," he said, nodding at Ulquiorra. "Lemme guess – she rescued you from the darkness or something, right?" He winked.

Ulquiorra blinked and looked to Rukia, who shrugged slightly. "We decided to go on a romantic date to eat ice cream, and if you see Inoue Orihime or Kurosaki Ichigo, you are to inform them of this fact," he repeated.

"Sure, sure," the shopkeeper said, handing them their bowls of ice cream. "There are on the house, you lovebirds."

"Yours looks as though you scooped it out of the trash," Ulquiorra informed Rukia. It wasn't even an _interesting _combination. It was all too similar, too alike. Had there been something unexpected in there, perhaps he could at least respect her imagination, but instead she had to order a child's birthday buffet, vomited into a bowl.

Rukia was pleased. "I believe we could get many more free things, if we inform people that we are a romantic couple."

"Possibly," he agreed as they sat down. "I'm not sure I understand the human obsession with relationships," he continued, deciding not to watch her digging into her chunky, messy brown blob of a snack.

"They're bored, maybe?"

"I am not sure that Inoue Orihime stares at Kurosaki Ichigo with passion in her eyes," Ulquiorra said, politely folding his napkin into his lap before he started to eat. "And I am not sure that he writes this 'love poem' nonsense about her, either."

"I wouldn't know."

Ulquiorra said nothing, but the subtle twich of his eyebrows told her that he had something to say.

"What?" she said sharply, in her most caring, productive, let's-talk-about-our-feelings tone.

"Wipe your face - you look as if you've slammed it into a trough," he said, his fingers pushing a small stack of napkins towards her.

"Thanks," she said, though she decided to wait until she had finished. But still, she reflected, it was nice of him. She was going to gesture her (full) spoon toward him, as a salute of gratitude, but then its contents spilled on her lap, sliding down her school uniform's skirt. "Oops," she shrugged, paying no attention, and resuming her snack.

Ulquiorra was appalled. "You do not think that – during a romantic date - presenting yourself in a sullied uniform and a stained face is unprofessional?"

"It'll get cleaned." Eventually.

"Even idiot children know how to wipe up after themselves."

"Okay."

Ulquiorra closed his eyes briefly and then said, "You look as though you threw yourself into a vat of trash and went swimming."

"Nuh uh," she insisted. So she had some ice cream drippings on her face. And hands. And clothes. Whatever.

He continued, "Either you will clean yourself, or else-"

.

"Chizuru was especially forceful about attending this ice cream shop, wasn't she?" Orihime wondered aloud to Ichigo as they stepped through the door. A soft tinkling sound announced their arrival and for whatever reason, everyone present inside the shop seemed overjoyed to see them.

"Yeah, she even gave us some money. People sure are in good moods today," he said, referencing the sea of (kind of creepily) smiling faces, all staring at him and Inoue.

"Yeah!" she agreed, and skipped up to the counter to order. "I'd like a mango sorbet with caramel and sprinkles, and that's it! 'Cause don't worry, I've brought my own fish sauce and steak tartar today!"

"I don't want anything so farfetched, thank god. I want vanilla with strawberries, raspberries and blueberries mixed in, please," Ichigo said.

"Sure thing!" the shop keeper grinned, and then nodded to the left. "Look at their romantic date today, would you?" he said fondly.

Their eyes followed his and without saying a word, they both knew they were equally confused, upon beholding – of all people – Ulquiorra and Rukia, in the corner.

.

"This should not be necessary," he said with great difficulty. The stubborn shinigami was defying his rationality in any way possible, while he tried to grind yet _another_ napkin against her face in effort to clean it. In retaliation, she seemed to be trying to do the same, only he doubted that she had the same good intentions that he did.

"You're _stupid,_" she grunted against the flimsy fabric, wishing her arms were long enough to smash a napkin against his face (though not for lack of trying).

One final, harsh swipe and Ulquiorra figured that he was about as done as he could be. "Next time do not doubt me. If we are on a romantic date, it is unacceptable allow yourself to become filthy."

"Ulquiorra? And Rukia!" Orihime's astonished voice exclaimed from about two feet in front of them.

"…Together?" Ichigo continued.

"At an ice cream shop?" Orihime finished.

There was silence.

Finally, Ulquiorra said, "Yes. We are …" Somehow, it seemed harder to say than before.

" … on a …" Rukia continued, although she seemed to be having the same problem.

"…Romantic."

"Uh, date."

Ichigo and Orihime stared at them.

"Uh, no, you aren't," said Ichigo.

Again, there was silence.

"Yes, we are, idiot. What does it look like we're doing?" Rukia asked.

"Really?" Orihime asked, her eyes still unnaturally wide. Her mango sorbet with caramel drizzle, fish sauce and steak tartar was clutched in her left hand, seemingly forgotten.

"Going by the human definition, this a romantic date," Ulquiorra insisted.

Orihime was confused. "…Do arrancar and shinigami have different definitions?"

Ulquiorra shrugged and then explained, "The human concept of a 'romantic date' is closer to the arrancar concept of 'take someone out to the desert and fight them barehanded.'"

"I guess it's about the same for shinigami," Rukia said.

"Sometimes swords are involved, as well," Ulquiorra continued.

"Yeah," Rukia nodded, forgetting to include that part.

"Yeah, that's not far off at all," Ichigo said, assuming they would hear the sarcasm.

"No, not at all," Ulquiorra and Rukia both agreed.

"Are we interrupting your … date?" Orihime asked nervously.

"They're not on a date," Ichigo said.

Rukia and Ulquiorra looked at each other, and Rukia shrugged. "I guess you kind of are. We have finished our ice cream and we're leaving now. We must rest to prepare ourselves for a romantic stroll through the park tomorrow."

"We were going there, too!" Orihime said.

"Yeah, we wanted to go to the park, too! Tomorrow!" Ichigo spoke louder than he meant to.

Neither of them realized that they'd spoken out loud for several moments.

"Okay," said Rukia, as she and Ulquiorra rose to leave. "We'll probably see you there tomorrow."

"I, er … great!" Orihime said brightly, waving at them as they walked out the door.

"That was weird," Ichigo said.

"That was unexpected," she agreed.

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.

"That was perfect!" Chizuru punched the air triumphantly, after Rukia and Ulquiorra reported to her what happened.

"It was alright," Rukia shrugged modestly.

"Why are we to go to park tomorrow?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Don't you see? Kurosaki and Inoue will see you two dating all over the place and they will turn to each other and say, 'Hey, we're so good together! We must date right this second!' and then finally Inoue will be out of the way and it will be wide open for me to- er," she stopped herself, relieved that she didn't reveal her secret plans.

"We're gonna need more money," Rukia said.

"Okay," Chizuru nodded. "I will give you more money. For your next date, at the park, your main activity will be …"

.

.

"So, um," Orihime spoke after an awkward, silent minute. "We'd better go to the park tomorrow, right? I'm, um, kind of worried about them."

"They're up to something," Ichigo decided, his eyes narrowed. "We have to go see what they're doing."

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**author's note**: okay, i'm an asshole. i've had this written for ages. i actually have 60,000+ words written and i haven't posted it all because ... idk, lacking motivation. maybe some REVIEWS would motivate me more, eh? *nudges readers*

and before i get people saying "um liek i think chizuru is a lesbian get yer facts straight" i want to say: I KNOW. but these kids are, what? 16-17? preferences change. besides, i like the idea of her having a crush on ulquiorra.

**everyone** should have a crush on ulquiorra.


	7. we're coming and the birdies try to hide

THE NEXT MORNING

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"I have wonderful news, everybody!" Keigo shouted, pounding his fists on the teacher's desk.

"Uh, what is it?" Tatsuki asked warily. The last time Keigo told her that he had "wonderful news" was when they were at a waterpark. He was shouting excitedly about how some "cool, hip-looking older guys" gave him their unwanted alcoholic beverage. Three minutes later, he had vomited all over her legs on the 'Super Splashy Fall of Death' ride. She was still bitter.

"Well, Tatsuki-chan! As a class … _wewillputonaplay_ and THEN WE WIN A FABULOUS PRIZE!" he answered, hoping his cleverness would pay off and no one would question him.

Unfortunately, then the shouting began.

"What?" Ichigo yelled. "You seriously said that we're putting on a play? As a class?"

"And winning a fabulous prize!" Keigo corrected him. "You forgot that part."

"How did this happen, Keigo?" Tatsuki asked, suspicious.

"…Er." His mind blanked. How could he not have foreseen this question? No doubt, many of his classmates would take a while to warm up to the fine arts, so, acting selflessly, he had quite loudly insisted to the theater director that the next school play would be performed by HIS wonderful class and taken care of by HIM. But how could he explain this to such an excitable group?

"The theater director informed me that we had no choice," he finally said. Thankfully, no one seemed to question him further.

"Bad luck," Renji said, shaking his head.

"But don't worry!" Keigo assured everyone. "I have this completely figured out, top to bottom! I will do everything I can for my classmates!"

"I can help write it," Shuuhei raised his hand and offered helpfully. What an opportunity this could be! How long had it been since he'd had such a chance to write? This would look fabulous on his resume.

"You should include lots of sex scenes so it doesn't get boring," Rangiku suggested.

"What's the play?" Ichigo asked.

"ONLY THE BEST ONE EVER!" Keigo shouted, unable to contain his excitement.

"And explosions, alcohol … cute animals, like red pandas … " Rangiku continued to list off thoughtfully. "Otherwise it'll bore everyone to tears."

"So, like, uhhh … " Shuuhei had to think for a minute. "You want porn in a bar at the zoo while bombs are being dropped..?"

"Yes, that's what I want-"

Fearing he was losing control over the classroom, Keigo quickly cut in. "- There is romance, drama, passion, heartbreak, crying, love, laughing, EVERYTHING! Oh, and romance, too," he added, and then waited for it to sink into Ichigo's unloving, unmoved, shriveled heart.

"… So what's the play?" Ichigo repeated.

Keigo smiled so broadly that his cheeks still hurt the next morning. "HADES AND PERSEPHONE!" he announced joyfully. "What do you think, my best friends? Grimmjow! Share your thoughts!"

Grimmjow yawned loudly, having been woken up from his nap by Keigo's shouting. "Plays are fuckin' faggy."

"Grimmjow," Hinamori whispered to him. "Take this. Take a role and you will get full marks for good behavior for the next two days, I promise."

He looked bored and then began cracking his pencils in half, smiling evilly at the sharpest-looking points.

"I'll buy you a bottle of sake," she rushed. Anything.

At that, he looked mildly interested. "Fine. But if you give me some sissy bitch role-"

"You can be Heracles!" Keigo interrupted.

"Who's that?"

Keigo's eyes were shining. "Heracles is the greatest, most majestic, manliest warrior of all time! His feats are legendary and have been passed down for thousands of years! There has never been a stronger man than Heracles! You, as my best friend, would be perfect for the part!"

Grimmjow casually flicked one of the pencil halves and watched as it penetrated a good four inches into the wall. "What-the-fuck-ever."

Orihime raised her hand.

"Yes, Orihime-chan?"

"I would love that part as well, Keigo-kun!" she said happily.

"I want it, too!"

"T-Tatsuki-chan? You, too?"

Renji raised his hand as well. Before waiting to be called on (the one part of the equation he hadn't yet mastered), he spoke. "I want it. And sorry, but _girls can't play a guy. _Not even macho, flat-chested chicks." He smiled to himself, satisfied and pretended to ignore the sparks of red-hot anger emanating from said macho, flat-chested chick sitting behind him.

Through the ensuing din of flying desks and chairs and awful, mean-spirited shouting (oh, how it distressed him so!), Keigo noticed that Ichigo had also raised his hand.

"Ahh, Ichigo! You want the part as well?" If Keigo were as open and straightforward with his feelings as, say, Tatuski-chan, he would cry and tug at his hair at the frustration of it all. All of this stress and clattering and noise was unbearable!

"No! And stop bawling and pulling your hair!" Ichigo shouted. "I just wanted to ask, what the _hell _does Heracles have to do with the story of Hades and Persephone? He's not in it! At all!"

"Cram your shit, Kurosaki," said Grimmjow. "You don't always have to be a whiny pussy."

"Artistic license, Kurosaki," Ishida pointed out.

Keigo blew his nose in his hanky. His blue-haired best friend had come to his rescue, just like a true Greek hero would! "Then it is decided!" he yelled. "The part of Heracles will be played by Grimmjow!"

Ichigo made a strangled sound and looked over to Rukia, who was busy coloring a picture of something that appeared to be a bear or a raccoon or maybe even a whale. "Like I care," she said and then casually ducked as a chair flew over her head. ("Idiot pineapple-haired loser!") Clearly, she would offer no support.

Keigo pound his fist on the front desk. "Order! I need order!" He then turned to the blackboard and began writing.

"Don't Abarai-kun and Tatsuki-chan bring out each other's lively sides?" Orihime said happily to Ulquiorra.

He gave her a peculiar look and paused for a minute before answering. "'Lively' is a misnomer," he said flatly, watching as Grimmjow delivered a sharp kick to Renji's back that catapulted him back into his chair.

Keigo spun around dramatically from the blackboard and looked touched by Grimmjow's 'help'. "You!" He pointed at Grimmjow. "Are truly my best friend!"

"I don't fucking care."

"Now!" Keigo continued. "We must work together as a class to assign the proper roles!" Written on the board were the names of assorted Greek gods and goddesses. After 'Heracles' was written 'Grimmjow'. (To be more precise, Keigo had written 'GRIMMJOW JAGERJAQUES!' with little sparks and fireworks drawn around it.)

"As I have said, this is the myth of Hades and Persephone!" ("And Heracles," muttered Ichigo under his breath, but no one cared.) "Therefore, we must assign them first! Any nominations for the role of Persephone?" Keigo's eager eyes were shining brilliantly. "She's the young, beautiful, happy maiden goddess who runs around painting flowers and capturing the heart of Hades!"

After a minute of silence, Orihime's hand was first in the air. "I nominate Tatsuki-chan!"

Renji laughed loudly.

"Eh, I don't want it!" said Tatsuki, reminding herself to stay Zen and not clobber his face. "So I nominate Orihime-chan!"

"Yes! Yes!" Keigo was nodding vigorously. "Orihime-chan would be perfect! Congratulations, Orihime-chan! You are our Persephone!" He applauded enthusiastically.

Tatsuki pat her best friend on the back and whispered, "I can't wait to see your costume!" To herself, she promised, 'We're gonna have them make it totally sexy.'

"Now then!" Keigo continued. "What about our leading man, Hades? He's dark and serious and gloomy and surrounded by dead guys and throws the most awful parties, but he's not that bad! Nominations?"

Again, there was silence.

Keigo began to grow nervous. Being the popular guy that he was, it was almost impossible for him to count the number of best friends he had. But he had to say, Orihime-chan was one of his closest and most favorite best friends. Therefore, he needed someone trustworthy and honorable to play Hades. No one was going to take advantage of the delicate and lovely Orihime-chan! Not on his watch!

Chizuru rubbed her hands together evilly. Finally, an opportunity to work closely with Orihime! They'd memorize their lines together and then she could see how perfect she and Ichigo would be together, and then Ulquiorra would notice how dutifully Chizuru memorized her lines and then … then … Standing up, Chizuru announced, "I will! I will play Orihime-chan's husba-"

"NO, CHIZURU-CHAN! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Keigo screamed. He would NOT trust her! "We need someone surly and unpleasant to be around! I know! Ichigo!"

"W-what?" Ichigo was startled. Him? Playing Hades? He looked to Rukia for guidance and she ignored him, as she was too busy sorting her candy-coated, Chappy-shaped chocolate candies into happy, color-coordinated families to care.

Before Ichigo could answer, Keigo interrupted him. "No, I take it back! Your orange hair is too bright and cheerful to belong to a death god! No one would take you seriously! And I want historical accuracy here! But no one is contributing any nominations, so be quiet and let me think; I must be thoughtful for a minute."

Nel settled her face down on her desk and prepared to nap, and Keigo stole glances at her until he remembered what he was supposed to be thinking about. Orihime was wondering what Ichigo would look like as the death god, Hades, and eventually wound up contemplating whether or not dead people would be slimy to the touch. How many showers would you have to take each day, if you were ruler of the dead? Would your food get all slimy? Grimmjow was folding an origami sword. Rukia was solemnly asking herself whether or not she could bear to eat those darling, chappy-shaped candies. (She could.) Renji was studying the rapidly-forming bruises on his arm and muttering how he was going to win next time. Tatsuki made a face at him, and he flicked her off. Rangiku and the teacher were deeply absorbed in the women's magazine, and debating quietly whether or not these tips would really work on a man. And through it all, Keigo kept his eyes closed and a hand stroking his chin, thoughtfully. This was his "thinking pose" and he would not emerge from it until he had come to a solution.

Finally, Keigo spoke. "I have come to a conclusion! I have decided all the parts. We do not need to vote, because they will be perfect, I can assure you! Ulquiorra, my best friend!"

"…What?"

"I enjoy your company immensely and I find you to be an amazing best friend! You are a wonderful person, Ulquiorra!" Keigo had to wipe his eyes. He felt as though a tidal wave of emotion was crashing into and reshaping the shoreline his heart, depositing little shells of good will and generosity. It was time for him to give back to the world!

Ulquiorra felt mildly uncomfortable. "…And?" he asked, hoping that there was a point and that this wasn't another one of Keigo's emotional outbursts.

"And so," Keigo continued, "I want you to know that you are nothing like your character! I do not want the fact that I have cast you as the ruler of the dead, Hades, to depress you! I have done this out of confidence, Ulquiorra! I know that you will rip our hearts to shreds with your acting! Combined with my script, of course!" he added with a wink.

Ichigo wanted to rip his hair out. Of course Keigo would be writing the script to this. Of. Course. Breathe in, breathe out.

"I see," Ulquiorra said slowly. Keigo's large, hopeful eyes were watching him intently. Obviously, he was expecting more of a reaction. Ulquiorra recalled the list of superlatives Orihime had made for him to use in conversations and narrowed in on one: "… I find this development to be … delightful."

Keigo's eyes shimmered and glittered with unspilled tears.

Orihime reached over and lightly tapped Ulquiorra's shoulder. "This will work out nicely, Ulquiorra-kun! We can practice and learn our lines together!"

He nodded. Memorizing a script would be easy. He was excellent at following orders. This would be simple and prevent him from receiving poor marks. He would not be placed back in jail.

Keigo pointed at Rukia next. "Rukia-chan!" he said. "You shall be … Queen Hera! Queen of all the Greek gods! The husband of the mighty Zeus, who cowers under your will and might! You have this man wrapped around your pinky! He is whipped, Rukia-chan! Completely whipped!"

She nodded. "Yes, I think this is an appropriate part. Who will be my husband?"

"There was only one option! The one with hair the color of the rising and setting sun is the only logical choice to portray the king of the sky: Kurosaki Ichigo, of course!" Keigo looked immensely pleased with himself.

Rukia closed her eyes and nodded again. "All right."

"W-what?" shouted Ichigo. "I'm her h-hus-… She's my wi-w-wi- COME ON, KEIGO!"

Keigo ignored him. "Moving on! The part of Persephone's mother, Demeter, will be played by … Tatsuki-chan!"

"Okay," Tatsuki said and shrugged. Fine by her.

"Hinamori-chan!" Keigo announced joyfully. "You have a part, as well!"

Hinamori binked. A role in a play? This would be … new. Supposedly, the number one human fear was public speaking, rather than the more-expected response of death. She'd already experienced them both. Hopefully it wasn't too large a part…

"You," Keigo shouted, pointing at her, "will be Charon, the ferry-person of the underworld and Hades' best friend!"

"Oh," she smiled rather nervously. "Thank you, Keigo-kun."

"I suppose I shall be supplying the costumes," Ishida assumed.

"A-and, Nel-chan …" Keigo suddenly became uncharacteristically shy. One hand was scratching the back of his neck and the other was using the chalk to doodle on the desk. His posture was uncertain; his foot seemed to be trying to dig a hole in the floor and he refused to meet anyone's eye.

"Ahh, my part!" exclaimed Nel. She smiled. "What's my part, Keigo-san?"

"Eep!" She was looking. Right. At. Him. He had not prepared in advance a suave, manly response to such an unexpected action on her part! He looked at Tatsuki and begged her with his eyes: _What do I do?_

Tatsuki rolled her eyes. She remembered their "role-playing" that morning.

'_P-pretend you're Nel-chan!' he had instructed her. 'Say hi to me!'_

…_This was so stupid. Did she really need to copy his math homework that much? Eh, whatever. '…Hi, Keigo.' _

'_I-er, that is, ummmm…" He looked lost. "We need to try again, Tatsuki-chan! We will work until we get it right!' _

Keigo was never going to get laid, Tatsuki decided.

He swallowed audibly. Nel was waiting politely for him to finish his statement. "N-Nel-chan will be portraying Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. I-I mean, that is, if you want that part…?" He trailed off and looked at her nervously.

She nodded eagerly. "Yes, it sounds like a great part, Keigo-kun!"

He nearly swooned at the mention of his name. "Class dismissed!" He said dreamily. "Everyone who has a part, I'll deliver you your scripts later. Bye!" And with that, he walked into the wall.

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Renji was unhappy.

"Look at this!" he stated to the rest of the group that was lounging on the school lawn with him. "I only have four lines! This is ridiculous!"

"Yeah," responded Ichigo as he flipped through the script, "Same here. We should be thankful…"

Renji snorted. "Yeah, whatever. But it's stupid, since all my lines are with _her." _He nodded in the direction of Tatsuki and Orihime in the distance. They were on all fours and seemed to be searching for something on the ground. Several boys walked by and stopped to wolf-whistle appreciatively, prompting Tatsuki to yell something incomprehensible and throw rocks at them.

Renji shook his head and shifted, trying to find the most comfortable position against the tree. He closed his eyes. "I don't understand what Orihime sees in that idiot friend of hers."

Ichigo ignored him.

Nel was lying on the ground, leisurely flipping through her script. "Keigo-kun sure included a lot of romance."

"Really?" Rukia wanted to know. "Hey, Ichigo. Think we're going to have any romantic scenes?"

"Mild domination and submission themes, but no bondage," Nel continued, mildly disappointed.

"Wh-what?" Ichigo was mortified at what Rukia and Nel had both said. "No! Absolutely not!" Keigo wouldn't do that to him, would he? (…Yes, of course he would.) Ichigo tore through the pages like a hurricane, looking for any scenes that would even slightly imply romance between him and Rukia. The fact that they would be portrayed as married and that his _father_ – God, _anyone _but his father – would be in the audience was enough to make him contemplate running away to Antarctica forever.

Okay, that was an extreme reaction. It wasn't that bad. Whatever. He could do this. Hell, it might even be some fun.

"Oh, by the way," Rukia added, "nii-san said that he was going to stop by with several other captains. This is an opportunity they do not want to miss."

Oh, for the love of-

"Urahara-san just texted me, saying that him, Yorouchi and Tessai are all looking forward to this play." Renji shook his head. "How the shit did he find out…?" he muttered.

Then he heard Ishida speak. "Stand up, Kurosaki. I must take your measurements in order to create your costume."

Antarctica was not far enough, Ichigo decided. It was time to start looking for other hospitable planets.

"W-what kind of costume are you making?"

"What? Are you doubting me, Kurosaki? Should I have you make your own?" Seemingly out of nowhere, Ishida had produced a measuring tape, a pen and a notepad. "Now then, stand straight with your legs spread."

"HA!" Renji was pointing and laughing. "Look at the little bitch Kurosaki! 'Stand straight with your legs spread! I bet that excites yo- OW! What the FUCK?"

"Shut it, Abarai. It was a tap to the head. You'll recover." Tatsuki had snuck up on him, apparently. "Anyway, you're the one who seems all excited here. Sicko." She shook her head in mock-pity. "Oi, Ishida. I can't stick around too long; measure me first, alright?"

Ishida looked rather bothered by this whole display, but he acquiesced. "Fine, come over here. A-and, ummm, stand straight with legs spread and arms out."

She smirked at Renji. "What, no clever comment? Silence suits you, Abarai. Your face looks far less stupid when you're not talking."

Renji could only gape at her, appalled, as Ishida took her measurements. If he were a rake, he'd make some sort of comment about how this would probably be the first and only time a boy would ever touch her, so she should enjoy it while she could. Yeah, that would show her. He probably would have said it, too, except that Ishida was now measuring her bust and – an awful coincidence, really – just then Renji's mind went blank.

"Bust …. 36 …" Ishida muttered to himself while jotting it down in his notebook.

"No, make it a 34," Nel suggested. "I don't want boring costumes."

"W-what? No, that's not right, that'd be too tigh-"

"Nel's right! Damn right it'd be too tight! That's the point, Ishida! You think that just because I'm portraying a mother, that I don't have any sex appeal?"

Renji opened his mouth just as Tatsuki wheeled around and sharply poked his chest. "Shut it! Your so-called 'wit' isn't needed here!"

She turned around to face Ishida again. "Where was I? Ah, that's right! So you heard me! I want this costume short, tight and sexy! In fact, you made a great point! 34 would be a joke! Bust size is now recorded as 32!"

She looked very proud of herself.

Nel sat up and raised her hand. "Me too, Ishida-kun. I would like a costume like that! Make mine a 32, as well."

"I, uh - a 32? On **_you?_**" Ishida was appalled and embarrassed, his face as red as a beet.

Rukia, sensing where the wind was blowing, chimed in, as well. "Yes." She nodded. "I also will be requesting one of these garments for myself."

Ishida had to sit down for several minutes to organize his mind and stop these embarrassing thoughts racing through his head. Finally, he spoke. "Well, I-I, errr … this will be a, err, different sort of challenge than I normally face, yes, b-but I suppose I can g-go along with your wishes." He walked away, quickly and on rather shaky footing.

Tatsuki and Nel were beaming at each other. Rukia had the rather obliviously self-satisfied expression of someone had no idea what they had just agreed to but didn't really care, anyways.

Renji and Ichigo tried to not look at anything. They made eye contact once, and they hastily looked away and tried to focus on the ground and not think about this stupid play anymore.

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this chapter is dedicated to Keigo and his return.

^ spoiler alert.

**author's notes: **here's where the reeeeeal crackiness starts. the closest thing to the plot this fic will have: A PLAY. Ulquiorra as Hades and Orihime as Persephone. (For obvious reasons.) Written by Keigo. i have A LOT of this written and i had faaaaar too much fun with it.

REVIEW OR I WON'T UPDATE EVER AGAIN and then you'll **never know how the play goes**


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